Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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