I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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