Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
