If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
