That reminds me...we need to get swords
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
