This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
