Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
