Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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