I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
