All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
