I am midnight drunk by noon
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
