we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
