3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
