i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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