i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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