Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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