I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
