Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
