The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
