happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
