Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
