i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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