remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
