Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
