i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
