I'm gonna have a badass scar
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
