I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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