Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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