Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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