Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
