Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
