Your dad touched me again.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
