my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
