I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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