I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I checked into jail on foursquare
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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