My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize