Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
