I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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