dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
