she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
