his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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