Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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