I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
