if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
