Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
