Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
