dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
