just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
