Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
