Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
