If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
